Confession

Since no one reads here anymore …. I’m just gonna start dumping my brain.

I’m so fucking lost.   I’m so overwhelmed.  And as “that girl” that tries SO. HARD. to keep it all together … or at least try to appear that way … this is hard.

Yes … I “…” constantly.  It’s how I think … It’s how I type.   I can’t help it.

Depression has taken over again.  BIG!   Last year was the hardest year of my life.   Pure adrenaline and fear of what was coming next kept me going.    This year was quieted down (thank goodness)  but now the crash has happened.   ALL of the emotions and feelings are HERE.   And I’m overwhelmed.

I don’t know why this word comes to mind … but I’m “locked.”   I can’t DO anything.   I can’t MAKE myself do ANYTHING.   Because I have no idea where to start.

My house needs SO much work.   SO much cleaning.  SO many upgrades.   I have tons of shit EVERYWHERE that I need to sell or donate or something … and it’s just there.   I Pinterest the best way to clean my grout … and never do it.   We need groceries … and I don’t want to go.   I figured out last week that I literally forgot to write MY OWN paycheck THREE times this year so far.   So YAY for money … but … I still haven’t written them.    My debit card is lost in my house somewhere.   I can’t make myself look for it.   I dug in my purse to find my keys … and discovered I haven’t been to the bank in a while b/c I have 11 different checks to deposit from both of my jobs … and just don’t want to.   (Yes … I did check my app and surprisingly I’m not overdrawn so that’s good.)  I haven’t unpacked from vacation (a month ago).   I could literally fill up a dumpster just picking up the papers and junk mail laying around.  (Don’t call Hoarders.   No bugs or dead things …. just clutter.)

Please don’t ask about my car.   It’s SO bad.  I’m pretty sure my Husband is ready to run  for the hills … and he refuses to ride with me … so there’s that.  (PS … he’s THE BEST HUSBAND … and so understanding … and the only good thing from this past year is that we are SO GOOD.   Really … saying Thank you to the Gods for that blessing.)

I walk in a room … and I have a 20 thing to do list AT MINIMUM!   In every room.   AND I DON’T WANT TO DO ONE THING!  NOT ONE.

I used to be the Queen of organization.  The Queen of lists.  The Queen of schedules.  NOT anymore.   Not right now.

So I guess I’m just throwing this out into the Universe.   Praying for a change.  Or maybe a Life Coach?   Or someone that just wants to DO IT and have me sit there making decisions about what to keep or throw away???

And maybe admitting that it’s time to get some meds and get myself back together again.

Again … I’m overwhelmed.

And AGAIN  frankly …. just lost.