Archives for February 2019

I Hate Roller Coasters

In real life … and in “life situations” … I hate roller coasters.

Granted. Sometimes I will voluntarily sit my ass in the seat and strap myself in. (On an ACTUAL roller coaster) And then scream the entire time. And then SWEAR I will never do “that” again. But, in general, I hate them. I like to be in control and on top of things. I do NOT like feeling like I’m going to fly off this planet at any time without at least getting a vote on which planet I’ll land on.

This past weekend, was rough. Wednesday-Sunday actually. Life was a roller coaster and I did NOT have a seat belt on. So. Just hanging on with the tips of my fingers and praying that I would make it.

Had my first panic attack in literally years. THAT was fun. I got so used to having them back in the day that I had the situation downplayed in my head for sure! No Biggie! Yeah I USED to get them but … heh … whatever.

FUCK. It sucked. SO bad. I’m grateful I knew what was happening because otherwise I would have thought I was dying. But I knew. And I’ve got a tool box full of coping skills to try when it comes down to it. But. Being in the fetal position, on the floor almost under my bed, crying hysterically and NOT being able to see … or breathe … or even comprehend words… for half an hour. Kinda scary. And I do NOT want to go down that road (mental health wise) again.

Monday til now we’ve been okay. We’re on a down swing from stress. And by “we” I mean me and the Husband. What he feels. I feel. When he’s stressed …. I take care of him. It’s exhausting, but …. he’s SO worth it. And he does the same for me when situations are reversed.

If I’m telling the truth, I’m just scared. I don’t know what the future holds. And I’m scared to death if his stress level is this bad NOW …. if anything worse ‘does’ happen ….. will I be able to …. keep him on this planet and NOT spiraling off the roller coaster to freaking Neptune or somewhere.

If you pray …. add us to your prayer list.

Much love <3

Pain is FOR REAL a Puzzle

Sometimes I wonder how and why things line up in the universe the way they do. The older I get, the more I pay attention to things.

Three years ago I lost a very good friend of mine. And I swear, even though I’ve buried SO many people who meant a lot to me, I’ve never experienced that kind of pain. That kind of grief. (And that is NOT to discount other losses …. I think everyone processes every death in different ways.) But, this one was different. It still stings. It’s still on my mind daily. I still FEEL it. I FEEL the loss. It’s not just a “fact” …. it’s still very much a “loss.”

I’m not sure that makes sense to anyone but me.

Anyway. Recently. Someone very close to my Husband (and I’m not going to go into any details because it’s not my place to say) …. got some very bad news. They’ve got an uphill battle coming their way for sure. And everyone is praying with everything we have. This news has (of course) effected my Husband in the worst possible way. And sadly …. because of losing my friend …. I get it. I hate it …. but I get it.

Three years ago …. I wouldn’t have. I hate to say that …. but it’s true.

I’m the strong one. I’m the non-emotional one. I’m the one who can be in a Hospital … or at a funeral …. or at a wedding … at the birth of a child … ANYwhere where other people have happy or sad tears …. and not bat an eye. I’m a holder-inner on the emotional front. I block out bad (I do smile at the good) …. and move on.

I’ve been this way since I was a child. I put up walls and only a few people will see me fall apart LATER. In private. “Maybe.”

While I would do anything in this entire universe to bring my friend back (and I mean that SO much it hurts) …. I find myself being able to be there for my Husband in ways that I know I would not have seen before. For the first time ever, I can relate to and understand the pain of wanting to fix a situation SO BAD but not having any control over doing so. It’s a primal pain of wanting to protect a person and change the situation as if your very own life depended on it.

I was a crazy person three years ago. I held it together but my thought process was …. weird.

In my 20s …. I would have been a complete disaster because I didn’t know how to handle my own self. So I spiraled a LOT. This time. I was older. So I just went with my gut and did what my gut was telling me to do. I think I handled “processing the pain” a little better. (Still weird … but not destructive.)

For example. One day. I could NOT be in my house. I couldn’t go home. (And nothing with losing my friend had anything to do with my home.) I just didn’t want to be there. I couldn’t. More so. I wasn’t sure I wanted to even be in my TOWN.

Husband didn’t bat an eye. He loaded up our camper. Drove 40 minutes away to the Lake and we camped for the rest of the week. Got up and drove to work every morning. Drove back every night. And we didn’t go home until my anxiety of ‘being at home’ went away.

This is just ONE example. There are many. But that man was PERFECT throughout it all. When I needed to cry, he held me. When I needed to talk, he listened. When nothing made sense, we just did whatever crazy thing made me feel better and got through it.

I spent a lot of time on gravel roads driving around. I think that’s a small town thing so y’all might not get it. But it relaxes me to SLOW DOWN and just look out the window at nature …. or have a good talk with whoever is with me …. or just be quiet and think. I listened to a LOT of music. I have probably 20 different playlists that started back then and have been on replay ever since.

When I was hungry, I ate. When I wasn’t, I didn’t. If I wanted to drink, I did. If I wanted to sleep, I did! Whatever my body, soul or mind needed … THAT is what I did.

Three years ago … I would have thrown a “suck it up” attitude toward him for being all up in his feelings. Sounds hateful. But it’s true. I can own that. NOW – sadly – I can completely empathize with the pain he’s starting to feel, and I’m doing my damnedest to try to help him through the puzzle of pain and grief.

I hope his puzzle ends better than mine. I hope things turn out just fine. But, in the meantime, the pain is real. And I have promised him that no matter WHAT his person, mind or soul needs …. there will be no judgment from me. Whatever it is … THAT is what we’ll do. And I’ll be right by his side.