20 Years of Butterflies. I’ll take it.


Confession.   I’m a nerd at heart.   Or …. just a nerd …. everyday really.   But the little things in life … make me just giddy and smiley and happy.

I have a date y’all.

A date with a man that I have been with for exactly half of my life.   A man who knows me inside and out and who I have absolutely not ONE secret he doesn’t know about.   A man who probably shouldn’t still give me butterflies in my tummy … but he DOES.

I don’t know exactly when it happened, but we started making it a point to do “date” like things pretty regularly.  More than just going out to eat (which we still do and call it a date) … but … things that take a little more effort.

Like two weekends ago.   We went to a Kid Rock (and Foreigner) concert in St. Louis.   Got a hotel.  Drank way too much.  Acted like we had no responsibilities.  Had fun.  Those types of dates.

We try to schedule “something” once a month or so.   A get away.  A night in a hotel.   A concert.  Something with just the two of us that we wouldn’t normally do.

Well … I ‘m a lucky girl this month (lots of memories).   Because we are going on a date Sunday … to watch the lunar eclipse (please cooperate clouds!  please!)

The fun … exciting part ???  We’re doing it old school style.

His truck.  Or more specifically the bed of his truck.

Tons of pillows and blankets.



Country road.

Hopefully get some amazing pictures of the eclipse.

Just the two of us.

Make out a little ;)

Makes life SO worth it.   ♥♥♥   I could not ask for more.




Forgiveness.  It’s something that I really struggle with.   And it’s one of the things that I know is effecting my entire life in a very negative way.

I don’t like to feel vulnerable.   I fear it.  I like to be in control and on top of things.   I know it’s not the truth … but for ME … to forgive makes me feel weak.   Like I’m giving up a part of myself.  I mean, come on.   The other person is the one that f**k’d up MY life by doing whatever they did.  Why on earth would I forgive them.   My brain wants me to scream at them.  YOU did it.  Suck it up.  Go home.  Accept it.  Stay out of my life.  And by God know that I will NEVER let you get close enough to do it again.

That way of thinking/feeling has been effective.  I’ve cut a ton of people out of my life that did me wrong.   And it’s true … they have never hurt me again.

But here’s the thing.   I still THINK about what they did to me.   I still carry it.  At times I even obsess about it.  I’ll have entire conversations in my head (with myself) reliving what happened and what I think about what they did.

For all I know …. they may not even remember what happened at all.   It may be a thing that never crosses their mind.  But in MY mind … I feel like it happened yesterday.   I’m still living with the pain of what they did.

And what good is that doing.   The thing that happened … can’t be undone.   So I’m making myself miserable because I won’t (and at this point still can’t) forgive them.

And … as a side note … I KNOW I’m not perfect.   At all.  I have lists of people who I know I have hurt.  Some of them have forgiven me and some haven’t.   Some things I hardly remember doing and some things I have apologized for but the person (like me) hasn’t come to the point where they can let it go and be okay with me.

I understand all of those emotions because I can see both sides.  I am both sides.  I can’t expect anything more than I’m willing to give myself.

So my question is … how in the hell do you forgive a person ???  I mean … I know what it means forgive.   And  I know that I want to let it go and stop dwelling on it … but how do you let go of the pain and anger and get it out of your head?    Just saying the words don’t make it happen.  I still feel a physical pain inside my person every time I think of what happened and I don’t know how to make it stop.

Thoughts?  Suggestions?





I got up this morning and although I felt like crap (didn’t sleep very good and couldn’t seem to get myself awake) … I got brave and jumped on the scale in the laundry room.   You see, I’m back on my mission to get myself together and lose some weight.   This struggle has been going on for years now … and when I say struggle … I mostly mean that I mentally beat myself up on a daily basis and do absolutely nothing to rectify the situation.   I eat what I want.  I don’t exercise … more than just getting on a kick every few months of walking etc.  Seems that  I want to wish the fat away … but it just keeps multiplying.

In an ideal world … I would LOVE to lose 50-60 pounds.  I would be pre-baby (lol … my kids are GROWN) weight and could feel comfortable in every possible situation.

In my more realistic world … I NEED to lose 30-40 to be more healthy.   Most of the clothes in my closet would fit again and even though my girl brain would still harp on me … I wouldn’t back out of almost every social invitation because I didn’t feel like I could face the world looking like I do.

I started watching what I ate and cutting those carbs a little over a month ago.   Then we had some events creep up where we were going to be out of town … and going to concerts (BEER!) … and I got off track for a minute.

Back on track and as of this morning … down NINE POUNDS!    Nine.

This makes me so happy.

Once I saw that number on the scale … I perked right up and didn’t feel so bad anymore.   Nine is the most I have lost in probably 3 years.   Most months I was gaining 3 or 4 because I wasn’t trying.

I’ve put my goal tracker on my FitBit towards losing 60 pounds (hey … a girl can dream) … but honestly EVERY pound lost is a step in the right direction.

And I know … I’ve got a lot of work to do on myself other than just shedding pounds.   Weight gain (in my opinion) is almost always a symptom of something else going on within you.  Getting my anxiety in check is going to be key in being able to succeed … but let’s be honest.   When you feel better from losing a few pounds … it’s makes kicking mental demons just a little bit easier.

So off we go.  51 more pounds to freedom.

Meatball Parmesan Casserole ♥ It’s What’s for Dinner


Anxious to try it out.  Will post my pictures and an update after I make it.   :)  (Link after the jump.)

Thank you Pinterest.

[Read more...]

Fun Fact: Pizza

My go-to order:   Canadian Bacon and Mushroom.   Preferably thin crust but I’m negotiable on that.

Fun Fact: Favorite Candy Bar

It’s a tie between … Heath Bars and Butterfingers.

Monday Recap – 7/27/15

Reading:    New books arrived today!   I got the book that Yadier Molina’s brother Bengie wrote about growing up with his parents and his brothers baseball careers.   This makes me so excited.   Everyone knows that Yadi is my Baseball Husband.   I also binge bought a bunch of books written by YouTubers.   #nerdalert

Watching:   Finally finished my re-watching of all 11 Seasons of Greys Anatomy.    Yeah.  I’m that girl.  I only prefer to watch shows back-to-back … hours-upon-hours at a time.   Up next … Game of Thrones which I haven’t watched at all yet.

Feeling: Itchy as shit!   This Poison Oak isn’t getting better at all.   Goo-gle (I have to type it that way to avoid the Goo-gle Plus link)  tells me it could take 30 days. Ugh.

Eating:   Felt so good to actually make dinner at home tonight.   We’ve been eating out constantly because of being out of town so much.     Made Chicken Flamingo and a Pasta House-ish salad.

Be kind:   Been trying to make an effort into doing more kind things everyday.    Little things.   Went to Walmart to get groceries at lunch and helped on older gentlemen find several things on his list.   Returned my cart back to the building instead of leaving it in the parking lot.    Picked my Husband up some cold beers on my way home (and then cooked him dinner.)   It’s the little things sometimes people.

Missing:  My Son.   He’s in Panama City Beach this week.   Having fun with his friends I hope.   But yeah.   Mama misses him.


IV Meds All Around Folks!


Well yesterday was super fun.   Landed my butt right in the Urgent Care (2.5 hours from home) because of friggin Poison Oak.

I walked in.  They took one look at my red blotchy face, neck and arms and escorted me right back. [Read more...]

When you can’t fix what you want to fix …

I want to blog.  I really do.  I login and look around … and still float around the Internets reading other peoples blogs (although most of my girls have drifted away) … and then I logout and think … I’ll wait for a day when I have something positive/interesting to post.   Not that my entire life is negative by any means.   It’s just … busy.   And hectic.   And filled with the issues of life that are hard … and personal … and not really the types of things you share with the world without getting permission from everyone involved.

So with that being said … enter the vague post where not many specific details are given.  Annoying right?   Except remember.  You don’t know the person I’m talking about anyways.   And the post isn’t supposed to be about the details.  More about the experience.

So … For the past 5-6 weeks we’ve had a family member going through a lot of health issues.    Well really, they’ve been having health related issues for years … but recently things have escalated into a pretty sticky situation.

And it’s just sad.   And scary.  And the feelings of helplessness are overwhelming.

I’m a fixer.  Give me a problem and if I CAN come up with a solution … Holy Shit! get out of my way because I WILL fix this.   Right freaking now.  I don’t need help and I won’t stress.  I’ll take to the task and turn into a whirlwind super hero and BAM!   Problem! Solved!  Now, let’s go have a beer and celebrate.  I’m buying.

This … isn’t something I can solve right now.   I don’t have a clear cut plan or solution to get from point A to point B.    I can’t even wrap my brain  around the entire situation to start to work step-by-step in the right direction.   One thing complicates another.   Another issue flies out of left field and lands in the middle of everything.   Three steps forward results in a football field backwards and more Hospital time.

In fact … we’re in our fifth Hospital in less than 2 months.

And … I’m just at a loss.   And watching this person suffer … and the family suffer… is the saddest part of all.   Because these are my people.   This is my family.    More specially, my Husband is my favorite person on this planet and watching HIS heart break … is just too much for me.

So we drive the 2.5 hours (each way) every chance we get … just to sit in the room … so they’re not alone.

That’s all we can really do.   Just BE there.

And pray.



Summer Bucket List


We are just now starting to check things off our list …. and we’re having SO much fun with it. [Read more...]