I Hate Roller Coasters

In real life … and in “life situations” … I hate roller coasters.

Granted. Sometimes I will voluntarily sit my ass in the seat and strap myself in. (On an ACTUAL roller coaster) And then scream the entire time. And then SWEAR I will never do “that” again. But, in general, I hate them. I like to be in control and on top of things. I do NOT like feeling like I’m going to fly off this planet at any time without at least getting a vote on which planet I’ll land on.

This past weekend, was rough. Wednesday-Sunday actually. Life was a roller coaster and I did NOT have a seat belt on. So. Just hanging on with the tips of my fingers and praying that I would make it.

Had my first panic attack in literally years. THAT was fun. I got so used to having them back in the day that I had the situation downplayed in my head for sure! No Biggie! Yeah I USED to get them but … heh … whatever.

FUCK. It sucked. SO bad. I’m grateful I knew what was happening because otherwise I would have thought I was dying. But I knew. And I’ve got a tool box full of coping skills to try when it comes down to it. But. Being in the fetal position, on the floor almost under my bed, crying hysterically and NOT being able to see … or breathe … or even comprehend words… for half an hour. Kinda scary. And I do NOT want to go down that road (mental health wise) again.

Monday til now we’ve been okay. We’re on a down swing from stress. And by “we” I mean me and the Husband. What he feels. I feel. When he’s stressed …. I take care of him. It’s exhausting, but …. he’s SO worth it. And he does the same for me when situations are reversed.

If I’m telling the truth, I’m just scared. I don’t know what the future holds. And I’m scared to death if his stress level is this bad NOW …. if anything worse ‘does’ happen ….. will I be able to …. keep him on this planet and NOT spiraling off the roller coaster to freaking Neptune or somewhere.

If you pray …. add us to your prayer list.

Much love <3

Pain is FOR REAL a Puzzle

Sometimes I wonder how and why things line up in the universe the way they do. The older I get, the more I pay attention to things.

Three years ago I lost a very good friend of mine. And I swear, even though I’ve buried SO many people who meant a lot to me, I’ve never experienced that kind of pain. That kind of grief. (And that is NOT to discount other losses …. I think everyone processes every death in different ways.) But, this one was different. It still stings. It’s still on my mind daily. I still FEEL it. I FEEL the loss. It’s not just a “fact” …. it’s still very much a “loss.”

I’m not sure that makes sense to anyone but me.

Anyway. Recently. Someone very close to my Husband (and I’m not going to go into any details because it’s not my place to say) …. got some very bad news. They’ve got an uphill battle coming their way for sure. And everyone is praying with everything we have. This news has (of course) effected my Husband in the worst possible way. And sadly …. because of losing my friend …. I get it. I hate it …. but I get it.

Three years ago …. I wouldn’t have. I hate to say that …. but it’s true.

I’m the strong one. I’m the non-emotional one. I’m the one who can be in a Hospital … or at a funeral …. or at a wedding … at the birth of a child … ANYwhere where other people have happy or sad tears …. and not bat an eye. I’m a holder-inner on the emotional front. I block out bad (I do smile at the good) …. and move on.

I’ve been this way since I was a child. I put up walls and only a few people will see me fall apart LATER. In private. “Maybe.”

While I would do anything in this entire universe to bring my friend back (and I mean that SO much it hurts) …. I find myself being able to be there for my Husband in ways that I know I would not have seen before. For the first time ever, I can relate to and understand the pain of wanting to fix a situation SO BAD but not having any control over doing so. It’s a primal pain of wanting to protect a person and change the situation as if your very own life depended on it.

I was a crazy person three years ago. I held it together but my thought process was …. weird.

In my 20s …. I would have been a complete disaster because I didn’t know how to handle my own self. So I spiraled a LOT. This time. I was older. So I just went with my gut and did what my gut was telling me to do. I think I handled “processing the pain” a little better. (Still weird … but not destructive.)

For example. One day. I could NOT be in my house. I couldn’t go home. (And nothing with losing my friend had anything to do with my home.) I just didn’t want to be there. I couldn’t. More so. I wasn’t sure I wanted to even be in my TOWN.

Husband didn’t bat an eye. He loaded up our camper. Drove 40 minutes away to the Lake and we camped for the rest of the week. Got up and drove to work every morning. Drove back every night. And we didn’t go home until my anxiety of ‘being at home’ went away.

This is just ONE example. There are many. But that man was PERFECT throughout it all. When I needed to cry, he held me. When I needed to talk, he listened. When nothing made sense, we just did whatever crazy thing made me feel better and got through it.

I spent a lot of time on gravel roads driving around. I think that’s a small town thing so y’all might not get it. But it relaxes me to SLOW DOWN and just look out the window at nature …. or have a good talk with whoever is with me …. or just be quiet and think. I listened to a LOT of music. I have probably 20 different playlists that started back then and have been on replay ever since.

When I was hungry, I ate. When I wasn’t, I didn’t. If I wanted to drink, I did. If I wanted to sleep, I did! Whatever my body, soul or mind needed … THAT is what I did.

Three years ago … I would have thrown a “suck it up” attitude toward him for being all up in his feelings. Sounds hateful. But it’s true. I can own that. NOW – sadly – I can completely empathize with the pain he’s starting to feel, and I’m doing my damnedest to try to help him through the puzzle of pain and grief.

I hope his puzzle ends better than mine. I hope things turn out just fine. But, in the meantime, the pain is real. And I have promised him that no matter WHAT his person, mind or soul needs …. there will be no judgment from me. Whatever it is … THAT is what we’ll do. And I’ll be right by his side.

New Year … 2019

Well. I haven’t been HERE in a minute. WordPress made me update and everything looks different. I don’t think I like. At all.

Oh well. I’ll get used to it I guess.

ANYWHO. I started a journal. A paper one. But I thought I might try to blog again and share some of the things on here as well. This year I’m pretty focused on being grateful for the people in my life. Especially the humans in my immediate circle who take care of me on a day-to-day basis.

So at the TOP of my list of gratefulness … is My Husband. We’ve been together for 24 years (almost) now.

I remember a LONG time ago I had a client come in to my office. He was signing papers and making small talk. He asked me about my boyfriend/husband. (I don’t remember if we were married yet.) And said. It’s gonna suck bad. Like SO bad …. for so long. But just hang in there. If you’re patient and if you love each other …. the good part will come. It takes half a lifetime to know a person and appreciate them the way they deserve. The good part is gonna show up. And you’re going to be SO glad you hung in there through the crap.

I thanked him. And probably secretly eye-rolled a bit. Because DUH. I’m 21 (guessing) and know EVERYTHING. lol

And I’m not saying that everything “sucked.” Not at all. Not by a long shot. But there was major truth to his theory. You gotta work to climb those rocky hills at the beginning to get to the top and see the big picture.

After 24 years …. really more like 18 b/c the last few have been the best! …. we have finally figured each other out. He is my person. He’s the one. (Granted …. he always has been the one …. but everything just feels “right” now.)

He can read me like a book. He knows my emotions and what I need. Knows which buttons not to push. Knows when I just need space. Knows the little things that no one else would even think of to make me happy. AND … even better. I feel like I do the same for him.

We talk. We communicate. We’re happier and stronger together. We are the definition of a team. And I find so much contentment and comfort in knowing that he is mine … and I am his.

This may not seem like a big thing. And I’m sure most people feel that way about their spouse. But … I find myself appreciating him more and more every single day.

The past 3 days …. I felt like crap. No voice. Cough that could wake Satan. Sore throat. All of it. And last night I fell asleep on the couch for a bit before bed.

When I got up … he had washed our sheets and put them back on the bed. We have others but he knows I LOVE the fresh smell right out of the dryer. And then …. THEN …. he brought in the fluffy blanket we use as a comforter … and it was still HOT HOT HOT from the dryer. He said he refluffed just because he knows the warm blankets (like in the Hospital) make me feel better when I don’t feel good. I mean COME ON! How sweet is that ???

Small things. Like warm blankets. Equal true love.


Since no one reads here anymore …. I’m just gonna start dumping my brain.

I’m so fucking lost.   I’m so overwhelmed.  And as “that girl” that tries SO. HARD. to keep it all together … or at least try to appear that way … this is hard.

Yes … I “…” constantly.  It’s how I think … It’s how I type.   I can’t help it.

Depression has taken over again.  BIG!   Last year was the hardest year of my life.   Pure adrenaline and fear of what was coming next kept me going.    This year was quieted down (thank goodness)  but now the crash has happened.   ALL of the emotions and feelings are HERE.   And I’m overwhelmed.

I don’t know why this word comes to mind … but I’m “locked.”   I can’t DO anything.   I can’t MAKE myself do ANYTHING.   Because I have no idea where to start.

My house needs SO much work.   SO much cleaning.  SO many upgrades.   I have tons of shit EVERYWHERE that I need to sell or donate or something … and it’s just there.   I Pinterest the best way to clean my grout … and never do it.   We need groceries … and I don’t want to go.   I figured out last week that I literally forgot to write MY OWN paycheck THREE times this year so far.   So YAY for money … but … I still haven’t written them.    My debit card is lost in my house somewhere.   I can’t make myself look for it.   I dug in my purse to find my keys … and discovered I haven’t been to the bank in a while b/c I have 11 different checks to deposit from both of my jobs … and just don’t want to.   (Yes … I did check my app and surprisingly I’m not overdrawn so that’s good.)  I haven’t unpacked from vacation (a month ago).   I could literally fill up a dumpster just picking up the papers and junk mail laying around.  (Don’t call Hoarders.   No bugs or dead things …. just clutter.)

Please don’t ask about my car.   It’s SO bad.  I’m pretty sure my Husband is ready to run  for the hills … and he refuses to ride with me … so there’s that.  (PS … he’s THE BEST HUSBAND … and so understanding … and the only good thing from this past year is that we are SO GOOD.   Really … saying Thank you to the Gods for that blessing.)

I walk in a room … and I have a 20 thing to do list AT MINIMUM!   In every room.   AND I DON’T WANT TO DO ONE THING!  NOT ONE.

I used to be the Queen of organization.  The Queen of lists.  The Queen of schedules.  NOT anymore.   Not right now.

So I guess I’m just throwing this out into the Universe.   Praying for a change.  Or maybe a Life Coach?   Or someone that just wants to DO IT and have me sit there making decisions about what to keep or throw away???

And maybe admitting that it’s time to get some meds and get myself back together again.

Again … I’m overwhelmed.

And AGAIN  frankly …. just lost.

18 plus 4

Happy Anniversary to my love.

18 years (plus 4 extra before the wedding).

In the beginning, I would almost guarantee that most people would have bet against us lasting this long.   Heck, at times we (unfortunately) bet against ourselves.   Marriage is never pretty and perfect all of the time … for any couple … and we’ve definitely had our ups and downs in the past.   But.   Today more than any other day in the past 22 years … I KNOW he’s my person.   He’s the one.   He’s always been the one.  We’ve grown up together.   We’ve grown up with our kids.   We’ve loved … and parented … and fought … and defended each other.   Good times and bad.  Sickness and health.  Better or worse.

If I know nothing else ‘for sure’ in this world …

If nothing else is ‘certain’ …

I know that he loves me.   And I love him.

#alwaysandforever  #nomatterwhat #loveliveshere