New Year … 2019

Well. I haven’t been HERE in a minute. WordPress made me update and everything looks different. I don’t think I like. At all.

Oh well. I’ll get used to it I guess.

ANYWHO. I started a journal. A paper one. But I thought I might try to blog again and share some of the things on here as well. This year I’m pretty focused on being grateful for the people in my life. Especially the humans in my immediate circle who take care of me on a day-to-day basis.

So at the TOP of my list of gratefulness … is My Husband. We’ve been together for 24 years (almost) now.

I remember a LONG time ago I had a client come in to my office. He was signing papers and making small talk. He asked me about my boyfriend/husband. (I don’t remember if we were married yet.) And said. It’s gonna suck bad. Like SO bad …. for so long. But just hang in there. If you’re patient and if you love each other …. the good part will come. It takes half a lifetime to know a person and appreciate them the way they deserve. The good part is gonna show up. And you’re going to be SO glad you hung in there through the crap.

I thanked him. And probably secretly eye-rolled a bit. Because DUH. I’m 21 (guessing) and know EVERYTHING. lol

And I’m not saying that everything “sucked.” Not at all. Not by a long shot. But there was major truth to his theory. You gotta work to climb those rocky hills at the beginning to get to the top and see the big picture.

After 24 years …. really more like 18 b/c the last few have been the best! …. we have finally figured each other out. He is my person. He’s the one. (Granted …. he always has been the one …. but everything just feels “right” now.)

He can read me like a book. He knows my emotions and what I need. Knows which buttons not to push. Knows when I just need space. Knows the little things that no one else would even think of to make me happy. AND … even better. I feel like I do the same for him.

We talk. We communicate. We’re happier and stronger together. We are the definition of a team. And I find so much contentment and comfort in knowing that he is mine … and I am his.

This may not seem like a big thing. And I’m sure most people feel that way about their spouse. But … I find myself appreciating him more and more every single day.

The past 3 days …. I felt like crap. No voice. Cough that could wake Satan. Sore throat. All of it. And last night I fell asleep on the couch for a bit before bed.

When I got up … he had washed our sheets and put them back on the bed. We have others but he knows I LOVE the fresh smell right out of the dryer. And then …. THEN …. he brought in the fluffy blanket we use as a comforter … and it was still HOT HOT HOT from the dryer. He said he refluffed just because he knows the warm blankets (like in the Hospital) make me feel better when I don’t feel good. I mean COME ON! How sweet is that ???

Small things. Like warm blankets. Equal true love.

Confession

Since no one reads here anymore …. I’m just gonna start dumping my brain.

I’m so fucking lost.   I’m so overwhelmed.  And as “that girl” that tries SO. HARD. to keep it all together … or at least try to appear that way … this is hard.

Yes … I “…” constantly.  It’s how I think … It’s how I type.   I can’t help it.

Depression has taken over again.  BIG!   Last year was the hardest year of my life.   Pure adrenaline and fear of what was coming next kept me going.    This year was quieted down (thank goodness)  but now the crash has happened.   ALL of the emotions and feelings are HERE.   And I’m overwhelmed.

I don’t know why this word comes to mind … but I’m “locked.”   I can’t DO anything.   I can’t MAKE myself do ANYTHING.   Because I have no idea where to start.

My house needs SO much work.   SO much cleaning.  SO many upgrades.   I have tons of shit EVERYWHERE that I need to sell or donate or something … and it’s just there.   I Pinterest the best way to clean my grout … and never do it.   We need groceries … and I don’t want to go.   I figured out last week that I literally forgot to write MY OWN paycheck THREE times this year so far.   So YAY for money … but … I still haven’t written them.    My debit card is lost in my house somewhere.   I can’t make myself look for it.   I dug in my purse to find my keys … and discovered I haven’t been to the bank in a while b/c I have 11 different checks to deposit from both of my jobs … and just don’t want to.   (Yes … I did check my app and surprisingly I’m not overdrawn so that’s good.)  I haven’t unpacked from vacation (a month ago).   I could literally fill up a dumpster just picking up the papers and junk mail laying around.  (Don’t call Hoarders.   No bugs or dead things …. just clutter.)

Please don’t ask about my car.   It’s SO bad.  I’m pretty sure my Husband is ready to run  for the hills … and he refuses to ride with me … so there’s that.  (PS … he’s THE BEST HUSBAND … and so understanding … and the only good thing from this past year is that we are SO GOOD.   Really … saying Thank you to the Gods for that blessing.)

I walk in a room … and I have a 20 thing to do list AT MINIMUM!   In every room.   AND I DON’T WANT TO DO ONE THING!  NOT ONE.

I used to be the Queen of organization.  The Queen of lists.  The Queen of schedules.  NOT anymore.   Not right now.

So I guess I’m just throwing this out into the Universe.   Praying for a change.  Or maybe a Life Coach?   Or someone that just wants to DO IT and have me sit there making decisions about what to keep or throw away???

And maybe admitting that it’s time to get some meds and get myself back together again.

Again … I’m overwhelmed.

And AGAIN  frankly …. just lost.

18 plus 4

Happy Anniversary to my love.

18 years (plus 4 extra before the wedding).

In the beginning, I would almost guarantee that most people would have bet against us lasting this long.   Heck, at times we (unfortunately) bet against ourselves.   Marriage is never pretty and perfect all of the time … for any couple … and we’ve definitely had our ups and downs in the past.   But.   Today more than any other day in the past 22 years … I KNOW he’s my person.   He’s the one.   He’s always been the one.  We’ve grown up together.   We’ve grown up with our kids.   We’ve loved … and parented … and fought … and defended each other.   Good times and bad.  Sickness and health.  Better or worse.

If I know nothing else ‘for sure’ in this world …

If nothing else is ‘certain’ …

I know that he loves me.   And I love him.

#alwaysandforever  #nomatterwhat #loveliveshere