I really REALLY want to document and keep a journal regarding this subject matter and I don’t know why but the idea of sharing some parts of myself online makes me VERY anxious. So on the way to work this morning I came up with the brilliant idea to type the entries in real time, but share them in a delayed fashion after I get myself going and pick up a little momentum. The hope is that the farther along I get, the more confidence I’ll have when I start seeing results and I’ll want to share my progress with the world. *Fingers Crossed* Yeah. After typing the entire post I got a wave of courage and I’m posting it right now!
In 15 days I’m going to turn 39 years old. The number … doesn’t phase me a bit. Numbers have never bothered me. I’m just … ME. I feel like me … not the number that “me” is. I honestly don’t think that turning 40 next year will bother me either. I could be wrong … but even the thought of 40 makes me think … heh? If I’m lucky maybe everyone will stop carding me when I buy beer … or not. Either way. I’m good.
Birthdays DO make me want to start new goals and challenges though. And what better time to get my shit together than the last year of the decade belonging to my 30s. I could use the extra motivation.
A little background on what prompted this thing I’m about to attempt: I’ve realized that I’ve just kind of given up on myself the past 4 years or so. I put myself on the back burner and just stopped caring. I went through a very hard period in my life around the year 2000 and it was just too much. I went into survival mode and it was all I could do to … just survive. I didn’t have the strength or energy for anything else and what little I did have went into my kids and my family. So I gradually just stopped doing things for myself because I didn’t really care whether or not they got done. If that makes sense.
I stopped buying myself new clothes. Stopped getting my nails done and getting pedicures. Stopped bothering to wash my makeup off before I went to bed. Stopped taking care of my skin. Stopped eating healthy foods and managed to gain somewhere around 40 pounds. I don’t go to the gym anymore. I don’t get haircuts and colors as often as I should. I never ever go out with friends and have become extremely anti-social mostly because I’m not comfortable in my own skin and I don’t like for people to see me this way. So 99 percent of the time that I’m not at work, I’m at home. And if I do go anywhere, I try to make sure that I don’t run into anyone I know.
All because I just don’t care enough to put effort into myself.
And honestly … even today … I still don’t care. But starting today I’m going to make myself pretend to care until it’s the actual truth. Enough is enough. I feel like it’s something my Mother would say … but if I don’t care about myself how can I expect anyone else to care about me.
I wish I could go back and make better choices, but I can’t. So I made the decision to start somewhere and TODAY is that somewhere.
My goals are mostly to start losing some of this weight and get myself in better shape. Start taking care of me and making myself a priority. My plan is to find something nice I can do for myself every single day for the next 30 days.
Little things like whiten my teeth, some kind of facial mask or treatment, get my nails done, buy the good conditioner that might cost a little extra, get a tan, make myself various doctors appointments that I’ve been putting off, get my eyebrows waxed, force myself to go to the dentist to get a cavity filled … and for goodness sake I’m GOING to get a PEDICURE ASAP.
I want to read more … and take more pictures … and be more organized … and just find SOMETHING (anything) that I can be passionate and excited about.
On top of that I’m going to eat right (low carb because that’s what works for me) and do some form of physical exercise as many days as possible. Even if it’s just a walk around my neighborhood. I need Vitamin D and I need to move to start feeling alive again. I’m going to weigh myself tomorrow morning (got ahead of myself getting ready this morning and forgot) and then every Monday after that. And I’m going to commit to blogging about it even though the idea of people reading these words makes me so incredibly nervous. (Although I do NOT promise to share the number every week. I’ll share if I lost … and maybe eventually the numbers … but that’s still a sore subject that I’m not comfortable with yet.)
So that’s where I’m at and what’s going on in my little world. Here’s to *fingers crossed* the beginning of the end of the worst (personal) era of my life. Time to get a little hung up on myself for a change. Let the pampering begin!