Protected: On my Heart ♥ just like a Tattoo

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Protected: 166 Days

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Protected: The Monday After

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Protected: The Before. In Between. The After

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Protected: Nothing will be “Ever the Same” … ever again.

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Paging Dr. McDreamy (aka The Scariest Couple of Months of my Life!)

Turns out.   Health scares … are … in fact … freaking scary!

It all started a few months ago.  I was in the shower and all of a sudden I just felt it.  This lump … right below my collar bone.   It was one of the those moments that stopped time and made me feel like I was the one spinning while everything else stood still.

I couldn’t believe it was the first time I’d noticed it.  It wasn’t there before and … then it WAS.

Sticking out.  Noticeable.   If I wore a low collared shirt you could see it quite clearly.  HUGE lump below my collar bone and a significant amount of swelling above my collar bone.

So off to the Doctor I went.

Doctor.  (Ummm … doesn’t look good.  Maybe Cancer? Idk.)

Referral to another Doctor.

Doctor.  (Ummmm … doesn’t look good.  Cyst maybe? Idk.)

Referral to another Doctor.

Doctor. (Ummmm … doesn’t look good.  Swollen Lymph node maybe? Idk.)

Referral to get a Mammogram.  Which was my first Mammogram and was NOT nearly as bad as I thought it would be.  Results were perfect and honestly … Anxiety about yearly appointments in the future = None.  I’ll gladly go.

Referral to get an Ultrasound.  Which was fine except the Ultrasound Tech seemed upset and worried about other things… which made me nervous and made me feel like there was something SO wrong with me.  Which there WAS … but I didn’t need the anxiety that day.

Back to the Doctor.  Referral to a Surgeon.

And then enters my FAVORITE  Doctor (Surgeon!).   I’ll just call him my McDreamy because … yeah.   He is young.  (And Cute!) And tall.  (And Cute!)  And confident.  (And Cute!)  And kind.  (And Spoiler Alert:   when the day of surgery finally came … the nurses at the Hospital were all … OMG!  Dr. McDreamy just pulled in the parking lot!  And everyone scrambled around trying to make everything perfect.  Then they fawned over him and several Nurses told me I was lucky because he was their favorite etc. So I basically pictured myself to be in a middle of a Grey’s Anatomy episode … and that’s just FUN!)

Anyway … He saw me and said … I don’t like this thing (which I didn’t either) … lets get that sucker out.    Yas!  Please!

He didn’t scare me.  He didn’t throw words around like Cancer or “this doesn’t look good” … he just wanted it out … which made me want to be his best friend forever.

So we scheduled surgery.  Quickly.  He wanted to do it the next day but my Husband was out of town and of course he had to be there.  So I saw McDreamy on a Wednesday and we scheduled surgery for the following Tuesday.

The longest (almost) week of my life.

The thoughts that went through my head.   Ridiculous in hindsight.  But you just never know.  The worst day of my life could’ve  been in less than a weeks time.  Lists started running through my head.  Things I needed to say.  Things I needed to write down.  From bills and passwords … to I love yous and what ifs.   I couldn’t eat or sleep.  I went from grouchy and irritated to the most loving person ever.

Then the day came and OMG!  The anxiety.   THE ANXIETY!  I thought I was having a panic attack for almost 4 hours.  From the moment I woke up (too early) to the moment they knocked me out.   My heart rate when they checked me in was almost 130.  And it stayed there until they put me under.  Everyone kept saying to calm down but … I just couldn’t.

And I’m a person who doesn’t fear Doctors.   I’ve had my wisdom teeth out (and was put under to do so).  I’ve had a boob job (which is SURGERY surgery).  I’ve gotten tattoos.  I’ve given birth to two babies.   Never one moment of fear in the past.

Long story short.   It went great.

Amazing really.

I walked away with a 2 inch scar below my collar bone … followed up with pain meds which worked wonders … followed up with a phone call from McDreamy saying that pathology determined that it was a BENIGN mass (with a fancy name that I don’t care about) … followed up with an office visit with him yesterday to remove my stitches.

He walked in and gave me a high five and said …  “Thank God you don’t have Cancer!  BAM!”   And I couldn’t agree more.

The last couple of months have been a roller coaster.  BUT I couldn’t be more happy to end up in the place where we are.

Everything is fine.  I am healthy.   I have been scanned and ultrasounded and blood worked to the ends of the earth.   And now that this MASS has been removed…. I am one healthy girl for sure!

Onward and Upward.

Much love ♥

20 Years of Butterflies. I’ll take it.

Confession.   I’m a nerd at heart.   Or …. just a nerd …. everyday really.   But the little things in life … make me just giddy and smiley and happy.

I have a date y’all.

A date with a man that I have been with for exactly half of my life.   A man who knows me inside and out and who I have absolutely not ONE secret he doesn’t know about.   A man who probably shouldn’t still give me butterflies in my tummy … but he DOES.

I don’t know exactly when it happened, but we started making it a point to do “date” like things pretty regularly.  More than just going out to eat (which we still do and call it a date) … but … things that take a little more effort.

Like two weekends ago.   We went to a Kid Rock (and Foreigner) concert in St. Louis.   Got a hotel.  Drank way too much.  Acted like we had no responsibilities.  Had fun.  Those types of dates.

We try to schedule “something” once a month or so.   A get away.  A night in a hotel.   A concert.  Something with just the two of us that we wouldn’t normally do.

Well … I ‘m a lucky girl this month (lots of memories).   Because we are going on a date Sunday … to watch the lunar eclipse (please cooperate clouds!  please!)

The fun … exciting part ???  We’re doing it old school style.

His truck.  Or more specifically the bed of his truck.

Tons of pillows and blankets.



Country road.

Hopefully get some amazing pictures of the eclipse.

Just the two of us.

Make out a little 😉

Makes life SO worth it.   ♥♥♥   I could not ask for more.



Forgiveness.  It’s something that I really struggle with.   And it’s one of the things that I know is effecting my entire life in a very negative way.

I don’t like to feel vulnerable.   I fear it.  I like to be in control and on top of things.   I know it’s not the truth … but for ME … to forgive makes me feel weak.   Like I’m giving up a part of myself.  I mean, come on.   The other person is the one that f**k’d up MY life by doing whatever they did.  Why on earth would I forgive them.   My brain wants me to scream at them.  YOU did it.  Suck it up.  Go home.  Accept it.  Stay out of my life.  And by God know that I will NEVER let you get close enough to do it again.

That way of thinking/feeling has been effective.  I’ve cut a ton of people out of my life that did me wrong.   And it’s true … they have never hurt me again.

But here’s the thing.   I still THINK about what they did to me.   I still carry it.  At times I even obsess about it.  I’ll have entire conversations in my head (with myself) reliving what happened and what I think about what they did.

For all I know …. they may not even remember what happened at all.   It may be a thing that never crosses their mind.  But in MY mind … I feel like it happened yesterday.   I’m still living with the pain of what they did.

And what good is that doing.   The thing that happened … can’t be undone.   So I’m making myself miserable because I won’t (and at this point still can’t) forgive them.

And … as a side note … I KNOW I’m not perfect.   At all.  I have lists of people who I know I have hurt.  Some of them have forgiven me and some haven’t.   Some things I hardly remember doing and some things I have apologized for but the person (like me) hasn’t come to the point where they can let it go and be okay with me.

I understand all of those emotions because I can see both sides.  I am both sides.  I can’t expect anything more than I’m willing to give myself.

So my question is … how in the hell do you forgive a person ???  I mean … I know what it means forgive.   And  I know that I want to let it go and stop dwelling on it … but how do you let go of the pain and anger and get it out of your head?    Just saying the words don’t make it happen.  I still feel a physical pain inside my person every time I think of what happened and I don’t know how to make it stop.

Thoughts?  Suggestions?




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Meatball Parmesan Casserole ♥ It’s What’s for Dinner

Anxious to try it out.  Will post my pictures and an update after I make it.   🙂  (Link after the jump.)

Thank you Pinterest.

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